| Marriage Counseling and Infidelity |
Extramarital and Extrarelational affairs: Recovery and Reconstruction
About 8-10% percent of all people who have ever been married engage in extramarital involvement. Men have affairs two to four times as
frequently as women, but this seems to be changing because a large number of affairs grow out of work relationships.
What is "infidelity?" Most definitions include sexual and emotional/nonsexual infidelity by married, cohabiting, or engaged partners:
"Infidelity occurs when one partner in a relationship continues to believe that the agreement to be faithful is still in force, while the other is
secretly violating it" (Lusterman, 1998).
Infidelity
After the devastating disclosure of infidelity, intense emotions and recurrent crises are the norm. The good news, however, is that the
majority of marriages not only survive infidelity, but marriage and family therapists have observed that many marriages can become
stronger and more intimate after couples therapy. An extramarital involvement (EMI) is the catalyst for approximately 50 percent of the
couples who initiate treatment. A striking paradox is that while polls indicate 90 percent disapproved of extramarital relationships, a national
survey reported that 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands had experienced extramarital intercourse. When emotional affairs or
sexual intimacies without intercourse are included, the incidence increases by 20 percent.
Causes and Types of Extramarital Relationships
The causes of infidelity are complex and varied. Affairs can occur in happy marriages as well as in troubled ones. Although the involved
spouse may not be getting enough from the marriage, sometimes the involved spouse is not giving enough. Reasons for EMI include low
self-esteem, relationship deficits (e.g., lack of affection), or a social context in which infidelity is condoned.
Multiple affairs may indicate an addiction to sex, love or romance. Love and romance addicts are driven by the passion of a new
relationship. Sexual addicts are compulsively attracted to the high and the anxiety release of sexual orgasm. But such release comes with
a price -- feelings of shame and worthlessness. In contrast, philanderers who perceive extramarital sex as an entitlement of gender or
status take advantage of opportunities without guilt or withdrawal symptoms.
A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic
friendships into romantic relationships, particularly in the workplace and on the Internet. Emotional affairs differ from platonic friendships in
that there is 1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship, 2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and 3) sexual
chemistry. Internet affairs, which cause marital distress despite lack of actual physical contact, exemplify emotional affairs. However,
combined-type affairs in which extramarital intercourse occurs within a deep emotional attachment usually have the most disruptive impact.
Vulnerabilities for EMI can be linked to marital problems (e.g., avoidance of conflict, fear of intimacy) or life cycle changes (e.g., transition
to parenthood, empty-nest). Some dissatisfied spouses begin an extramarital relationship as a way of exiting from an unhappy marriage.
More frequently, however, the marital history is re-written to justify an ongoing affair. It is unreasonable to compare a forbidden love affair
that is maintained by romantic idealization with the routine familiarity of a long-term marriage.
The Impact of Discovery
It is common for both spouses to experience depression (including suicidal thoughts), anxiety, and/or a profound sense of loss following
the initial disclosure. The reactions of the betrayed spouse resemble the post-traumatic stress symptoms of the victims of catastrophic
events. Common reactions to the loss of innocence and shattered assumptions include obsessively pondering details of the affair;
continuously watching for further signs of betrayal; and physiological hyperarousal, flashbacks and intrusive images. The most severely
traumatized are those who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting. The involved spouse may fear that they will be
punished forever for the betrayal while they grieve for the lost dreams associated with the affair.
Treatment and Recovery
The first issue to be addressed in therapy is clarifying whether the purpose of treatment is rebuilding the marriage, resolving ambivalence
about whether to remain married, or separating in a constructive way. One spouse may want to reconcile while the other spouse is still
ambivalent or has decided to leave. Most family therapists work with the couple together as the primary approach. However, an ambivalent
spouse or a severely agitated spouse may also need some individual therapy sessions.
One way to help couples rebuild marriages after the disclosure of infidelity is based on an interpersonal trauma model -- a process of
recovery and healing leading to forgiveness. The first stage of recovery after the impact of the disclosure establishes safety and
addresses the painful emotions and traumatic symptoms. Understanding the vulnerabilities for the EMI and telling the story of the affair
comprise the middle stage. Integrating the meaning of the affair into the present and moving on into the future is the final stage of healing
and forgiveness.
A wall of secrecy in the marriage and a window of intimacy in the affair usually characterize extramarital triangles. Reconstructing
marriages requires reversing the walls and windows by erecting a wall with the affair partner and a window of honesty with the marriage
partner.
Establishing safety.
Recovery cannot begin until contact with the affair partner is terminated. Stopping an affair does not just mean ending sexual intercourse.
All personal discussions, coffee breaks and phone calls must also be stopped. When the affair partner is a co-worker, the contact must be
strictly business, and necessary or unplanned encounters must be shared with the spouse in order to rebuild trust.
Telling the story of the affair.
A guiding principle is how information will enhance healing. However, a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness never
promotes healing, even if the answers are truthful. The initial discussions commonly resemble the adversarial interaction between a
detective and a criminal. Simple facts such as who, what, where and when can be answered during the early stage to relieve some of the
pressure for information. It is preferable to delay complex questions about motivations and explicit details about sexual intimacy until the
process itself is more healing. The disclosure process evolves in therapy from a truth-seeking inquisition to the neutral process of
information seeking – similar to a journalist and an interviewee. The final phase is one of mutual exploration with an empathic process.
Signs of healing and recovery.
1) The marriage is stronger and is couple-centered rather than child-centered. 2) The vulnerabilities for infidelity are understood and
addressed as they occur. 3) The couple has developed trust, commitment, mutual empathy and shared responsibility for change.
REFERENCES AND RESOURCES
Glass, Shirley P. (2003) NOT "just friends": Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal. NY. Free Press.
Lusterman, Don-David (1998). Infidelity: A survival guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Maheu, Marlene M. & Subotnik, Rona B. (2001 ). Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal. Naperville, IL:
Sourcebooks, Inc.
Pittman, Frank (1989). Private lies: the betrayal of infidelity. NY. W. W. Norton.
Schneider, Jennifer & Schneider, Burt (1999). Sex, lies, and forgiveness: Couples speaking on healing from sex addiction. Recovery
Resources Press
Spring, Janis Abrahms (1996). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. NY. HarperCollins
Publishers.
Subotnik, Rona & Harris, Gloria (1999). Surviving infidelity: Making decisions, recovering from the pain. Holbrook, MA: Bob Adams Press.
Vaughan, Peggy (1998). The monogamy myth: A per- sonal handbook for recovering from affairs. New York: Newmarket Press.
Young, Kimberly S. (1998). Caught in the Net: How to recognize the signs of internet addiction-and a winning strategy for recovery. NY:
John Wiley & Sons.
INTERNET WEBSITES
www.Affairs-Help.com. By Emily Brown, author of Patterns of Infidelity and Affairs: A Guide to Working through the Repercussions of
Infidelity.
www.Vaughan-Vaughan.com- the website of Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth offers a support group, BAN (Beyond Affairs
Network), for individuals and couples recovering from affairs.
The text for the above information was written by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D.
When an affair is discovered
The initial discovery of an extramarital affair can trigger a range of emotional extremes for both partners — shock, rage, shame,
depression, guilt, remorse. You may find that you cycle through all of these emotions many times in a single day — one minute vowing to
end the marriage and the next wanting desperately to save it. At this point, it's important to take one step at a time:
Get support. For your own well-being, seek support from family, friends, a pastor or counselor — anyone you trust and feel comfortable
with. Talking about your feelings with those you love can help you cope with the intensity of the situation. Objective support can help you
clarify what you're feeling and put the affair into perspective. However, avoid confiding in people who you know will take sides — this tends
to increase the emotional intensity of the situation.
Give each other some space. Both partners need a break from the emotional stress generated by the discovery of an affair. Although
difficult, experts advise disengaging when emotions are running high.
Take time. Avoid delving into the intimate details of the affair with your partner at first. Postpone such discussions until you can talk without
being overly accusatory or destructive. Take time to absorb the situation.
(http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infidelity/MH00110)
Therapy:
Cognitive Therapists provide a mechanism for the couple to work together focusing on specific areas of their relationship. Second, they
provide the couple with specific information which will help to focus their efforts in the subsequent treatment sessions. Data collection
often triggers uncomfortable memories, emotions and reactions as issues are brought to the forefront. It is important for the therapist to
provide a safe, calm and controlled setting during the process of data collection. It is not unusual for the couple to escalate their negative
interactions as they review past hurts, betrayals and disappointments. One or both members of the couple may require frequent
redirection and/or calming instruction and direction from the therapist to remain on topic during this difficult and trying phase of treatment.
The therapist must maintain control of the session by helping the couple to focus on moving forward in a joint effort toward the goal of
recovery. The lack of time, energy and nurturance to the relationship takes a primary negative toll by creating emotional distance and
resentments that are difficult to de-escalate without external assistance.
About 8-10% percent of all people who have ever been married engage in extramarital involvement. Men have affairs two to four times as
frequently as women, but this seems to be changing because a large number of affairs grow out of work relationships.
What is "infidelity?" Most definitions include sexual and emotional/nonsexual infidelity by married, cohabiting, or engaged partners:
"Infidelity occurs when one partner in a relationship continues to believe that the agreement to be faithful is still in force, while the other is
secretly violating it" (Lusterman, 1998).
Infidelity
After the devastating disclosure of infidelity, intense emotions and recurrent crises are the norm. The good news, however, is that the
majority of marriages not only survive infidelity, but marriage and family therapists have observed that many marriages can become
stronger and more intimate after couples therapy. An extramarital involvement (EMI) is the catalyst for approximately 50 percent of the
couples who initiate treatment. A striking paradox is that while polls indicate 90 percent disapproved of extramarital relationships, a national
survey reported that 15 percent of wives and 25 percent of husbands had experienced extramarital intercourse. When emotional affairs or
sexual intimacies without intercourse are included, the incidence increases by 20 percent.
Causes and Types of Extramarital Relationships
The causes of infidelity are complex and varied. Affairs can occur in happy marriages as well as in troubled ones. Although the involved
spouse may not be getting enough from the marriage, sometimes the involved spouse is not giving enough. Reasons for EMI include low
self-esteem, relationship deficits (e.g., lack of affection), or a social context in which infidelity is condoned.
Multiple affairs may indicate an addiction to sex, love or romance. Love and romance addicts are driven by the passion of a new
relationship. Sexual addicts are compulsively attracted to the high and the anxiety release of sexual orgasm. But such release comes with
a price -- feelings of shame and worthlessness. In contrast, philanderers who perceive extramarital sex as an entitlement of gender or
status take advantage of opportunities without guilt or withdrawal symptoms.
A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic
friendships into romantic relationships, particularly in the workplace and on the Internet. Emotional affairs differ from platonic friendships in
that there is 1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship, 2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and 3) sexual
chemistry. Internet affairs, which cause marital distress despite lack of actual physical contact, exemplify emotional affairs. However,
combined-type affairs in which extramarital intercourse occurs within a deep emotional attachment usually have the most disruptive impact.
Vulnerabilities for EMI can be linked to marital problems (e.g., avoidance of conflict, fear of intimacy) or life cycle changes (e.g., transition
to parenthood, empty-nest). Some dissatisfied spouses begin an extramarital relationship as a way of exiting from an unhappy marriage.
More frequently, however, the marital history is re-written to justify an ongoing affair. It is unreasonable to compare a forbidden love affair
that is maintained by romantic idealization with the routine familiarity of a long-term marriage.
The Impact of Discovery
It is common for both spouses to experience depression (including suicidal thoughts), anxiety, and/or a profound sense of loss following
the initial disclosure. The reactions of the betrayed spouse resemble the post-traumatic stress symptoms of the victims of catastrophic
events. Common reactions to the loss of innocence and shattered assumptions include obsessively pondering details of the affair;
continuously watching for further signs of betrayal; and physiological hyperarousal, flashbacks and intrusive images. The most severely
traumatized are those who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting. The involved spouse may fear that they will be
punished forever for the betrayal while they grieve for the lost dreams associated with the affair.
Treatment and Recovery
The first issue to be addressed in therapy is clarifying whether the purpose of treatment is rebuilding the marriage, resolving ambivalence
about whether to remain married, or separating in a constructive way. One spouse may want to reconcile while the other spouse is still
ambivalent or has decided to leave. Most family therapists work with the couple together as the primary approach. However, an ambivalent
spouse or a severely agitated spouse may also need some individual therapy sessions.
One way to help couples rebuild marriages after the disclosure of infidelity is based on an interpersonal trauma model -- a process of
recovery and healing leading to forgiveness. The first stage of recovery after the impact of the disclosure establishes safety and
addresses the painful emotions and traumatic symptoms. Understanding the vulnerabilities for the EMI and telling the story of the affair
comprise the middle stage. Integrating the meaning of the affair into the present and moving on into the future is the final stage of healing
and forgiveness.
A wall of secrecy in the marriage and a window of intimacy in the affair usually characterize extramarital triangles. Reconstructing
marriages requires reversing the walls and windows by erecting a wall with the affair partner and a window of honesty with the marriage
partner.
Establishing safety.
Recovery cannot begin until contact with the affair partner is terminated. Stopping an affair does not just mean ending sexual intercourse.
All personal discussions, coffee breaks and phone calls must also be stopped. When the affair partner is a co-worker, the contact must be
strictly business, and necessary or unplanned encounters must be shared with the spouse in order to rebuild trust.
Telling the story of the affair.
A guiding principle is how information will enhance healing. However, a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness never
promotes healing, even if the answers are truthful. The initial discussions commonly resemble the adversarial interaction between a
detective and a criminal. Simple facts such as who, what, where and when can be answered during the early stage to relieve some of the
pressure for information. It is preferable to delay complex questions about motivations and explicit details about sexual intimacy until the
process itself is more healing. The disclosure process evolves in therapy from a truth-seeking inquisition to the neutral process of
information seeking – similar to a journalist and an interviewee. The final phase is one of mutual exploration with an empathic process.
Signs of healing and recovery.
1) The marriage is stronger and is couple-centered rather than child-centered. 2) The vulnerabilities for infidelity are understood and
addressed as they occur. 3) The couple has developed trust, commitment, mutual empathy and shared responsibility for change.
REFERENCES AND RESOURCES
Glass, Shirley P. (2003) NOT "just friends": Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal. NY. Free Press.
Lusterman, Don-David (1998). Infidelity: A survival guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Maheu, Marlene M. & Subotnik, Rona B. (2001 ). Infidelity on the Internet: Virtual Relationships and Real Betrayal. Naperville, IL:
Sourcebooks, Inc.
Pittman, Frank (1989). Private lies: the betrayal of infidelity. NY. W. W. Norton.
Schneider, Jennifer & Schneider, Burt (1999). Sex, lies, and forgiveness: Couples speaking on healing from sex addiction. Recovery
Resources Press
Spring, Janis Abrahms (1996). After the affair: Healing the pain and rebuilding trust when a partner has been unfaithful. NY. HarperCollins
Publishers.
Subotnik, Rona & Harris, Gloria (1999). Surviving infidelity: Making decisions, recovering from the pain. Holbrook, MA: Bob Adams Press.
Vaughan, Peggy (1998). The monogamy myth: A per- sonal handbook for recovering from affairs. New York: Newmarket Press.
Young, Kimberly S. (1998). Caught in the Net: How to recognize the signs of internet addiction-and a winning strategy for recovery. NY:
John Wiley & Sons.
INTERNET WEBSITES
www.Affairs-Help.com. By Emily Brown, author of Patterns of Infidelity and Affairs: A Guide to Working through the Repercussions of
Infidelity.
www.Vaughan-Vaughan.com- the website of Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth offers a support group, BAN (Beyond Affairs
Network), for individuals and couples recovering from affairs.
The text for the above information was written by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D.
When an affair is discovered
The initial discovery of an extramarital affair can trigger a range of emotional extremes for both partners — shock, rage, shame,
depression, guilt, remorse. You may find that you cycle through all of these emotions many times in a single day — one minute vowing to
end the marriage and the next wanting desperately to save it. At this point, it's important to take one step at a time:
Get support. For your own well-being, seek support from family, friends, a pastor or counselor — anyone you trust and feel comfortable
with. Talking about your feelings with those you love can help you cope with the intensity of the situation. Objective support can help you
clarify what you're feeling and put the affair into perspective. However, avoid confiding in people who you know will take sides — this tends
to increase the emotional intensity of the situation.
Give each other some space. Both partners need a break from the emotional stress generated by the discovery of an affair. Although
difficult, experts advise disengaging when emotions are running high.
Take time. Avoid delving into the intimate details of the affair with your partner at first. Postpone such discussions until you can talk without
being overly accusatory or destructive. Take time to absorb the situation.
(http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/infidelity/MH00110)
Therapy:
Cognitive Therapists provide a mechanism for the couple to work together focusing on specific areas of their relationship. Second, they
provide the couple with specific information which will help to focus their efforts in the subsequent treatment sessions. Data collection
often triggers uncomfortable memories, emotions and reactions as issues are brought to the forefront. It is important for the therapist to
provide a safe, calm and controlled setting during the process of data collection. It is not unusual for the couple to escalate their negative
interactions as they review past hurts, betrayals and disappointments. One or both members of the couple may require frequent
redirection and/or calming instruction and direction from the therapist to remain on topic during this difficult and trying phase of treatment.
The therapist must maintain control of the session by helping the couple to focus on moving forward in a joint effort toward the goal of
recovery. The lack of time, energy and nurturance to the relationship takes a primary negative toll by creating emotional distance and
resentments that are difficult to de-escalate without external assistance.
| CBT The Center for Brief Therapy, PC, 10319 Dawson's Creek Blvd, Suite J, Fort Wayne, Indiana, USA 46825 260-969-5583; fax 260-969-5584; email: freemancbt@aol.com |
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