| IN THE CLASSROOM WITH HOLLY |
When and How to Ignore Misbehavior
What is the difference between a reward and a bribe?
Rewards celebrate positive behavior. For example, a promised treat for going beyond
what was expected, or a surprise for exceptional behavior. Rewards should not be
something that becomes too common, however, or your child will mostly likely
discover that withholding the positive behavior will only generate promises of even
larger rewards. A tangible goal is to reinforce the good behaviors in order to
encourage positive behaviors even when there is little likelihood for a reward to be
given. Think of rewards as positive responses to positive behavior in order to
motivate future good behavior.
Bribes only reward negative behavior. If you use a treat to end or deter bad behaviors
and actions, then you are bribing your child. Bribes are rewards for negative behavior
that is either real or anticipated and they only serve to encourage more bad behavior
in the future. In other words, you end up rewarding your kids for something they
haven’t yet delivered (i.e. the good behavior you are asking them to carry out).
Example: if your 5-year-old is throwing a tantrum in the store and you promise him/her
candy to stop the tantrum, then you have just bribed him. Essentially,
you have taught him that the “reward” for a public tantrum is candy and
therefore you are reinforcing negative behavior. Using this method may
seem like it is working for the moment. Afterward, however, you will find
that you are left feeling manipulated and powerless. Your child
will then learn that the reward could perhaps get bigger
(a cupcake instead of candy next time?) if he/she throws
an even bigger tantrum at the next store outing.
Bribery often occurs under times of pressure, when you are hoping to
change a behavior quickly. Over-negotiating often happens, which allows the child to
be in more control than the parent.
Look at the following things to determine if you are rewarding or bribing:
1. Look at who is making the suggestion. When the parent is suggesting, "If you'll
do something for me, then I'll do something for you," the child will look at this as a
bribe. If the child is asking if he/she can have something and the parent responds with
the conditions, it can teach values.
2. Ask yourself, “What is my motive?” If you are trying to manipulate a situation,
you are probably bribing.
How to break the bribery habit:
1. Change your focus from the reward to your child’s behavior. For example, if
grades are an issue, praise your child and/or offer small rewards for daily studying
rather than waiting for the report card to arrive. After all, daily studying and planning
ahead for tests/homework is the behavior that you really want to see anyways. This
can help your child have less dependency on rewards since you are showing your
appreciation for their behavioral choices.
2. Include your child in the “rules process.” The more say they have in the
process, the more inclined they will feel to follow through because they feel more
invested and connected to holding up their end of the deal.
3. Communicate with your kids about the fact that their behavior is a choice. Each
choice has an outcome that can be positive or negative. Privileges come with
responsibilities.
4. Take an understanding/empathetic approach with your child. Let them know
you are listening to their opinions. By acknowledging that some of the chores they
are being asked to do aren’t fun, or that homework can be a tedious task, you are
acknowledging that their feelings are valid…..with the bottom line being that they still
have to complete the tasks. If you are spending your time trying to convince your
child that a task they have to do is exciting and fun when in reality it isn’t, they are
going to see through your statements and leave with the opinion that you don’t care to
listen to their feelings about the situation.
5. Remember: bigger and more expensive rewards are not the requirement for
motivating children. Consider the fact that many times, quality time with you can be
just as, if not more, rewarding for your children. Don’t forget this option!
Holly Lichtsinn, MSW, LCSW
Therapist
Center for Brief Therapy, PC
423 Airport North Office Park
Fort Wayne, IN 46825
Office: 260.969.5583
Fax: 260.969.5584
www.centerforbrieftherapy.com
What is the difference between a reward and a bribe?
Rewards celebrate positive behavior. For example, a promised treat for going beyond
what was expected, or a surprise for exceptional behavior. Rewards should not be
something that becomes too common, however, or your child will mostly likely
discover that withholding the positive behavior will only generate promises of even
larger rewards. A tangible goal is to reinforce the good behaviors in order to
encourage positive behaviors even when there is little likelihood for a reward to be
given. Think of rewards as positive responses to positive behavior in order to
motivate future good behavior.
Bribes only reward negative behavior. If you use a treat to end or deter bad behaviors
and actions, then you are bribing your child. Bribes are rewards for negative behavior
that is either real or anticipated and they only serve to encourage more bad behavior
in the future. In other words, you end up rewarding your kids for something they
haven’t yet delivered (i.e. the good behavior you are asking them to carry out).
Example: if your 5-year-old is throwing a tantrum in the store and you promise him/her
candy to stop the tantrum, then you have just bribed him. Essentially,
you have taught him that the “reward” for a public tantrum is candy and
therefore you are reinforcing negative behavior. Using this method may
seem like it is working for the moment. Afterward, however, you will find
that you are left feeling manipulated and powerless. Your child
will then learn that the reward could perhaps get bigger
(a cupcake instead of candy next time?) if he/she throws
an even bigger tantrum at the next store outing.
Bribery often occurs under times of pressure, when you are hoping to
change a behavior quickly. Over-negotiating often happens, which allows the child to
be in more control than the parent.
Look at the following things to determine if you are rewarding or bribing:
1. Look at who is making the suggestion. When the parent is suggesting, "If you'll
do something for me, then I'll do something for you," the child will look at this as a
bribe. If the child is asking if he/she can have something and the parent responds with
the conditions, it can teach values.
2. Ask yourself, “What is my motive?” If you are trying to manipulate a situation,
you are probably bribing.
How to break the bribery habit:
1. Change your focus from the reward to your child’s behavior. For example, if
grades are an issue, praise your child and/or offer small rewards for daily studying
rather than waiting for the report card to arrive. After all, daily studying and planning
ahead for tests/homework is the behavior that you really want to see anyways. This
can help your child have less dependency on rewards since you are showing your
appreciation for their behavioral choices.
2. Include your child in the “rules process.” The more say they have in the
process, the more inclined they will feel to follow through because they feel more
invested and connected to holding up their end of the deal.
3. Communicate with your kids about the fact that their behavior is a choice. Each
choice has an outcome that can be positive or negative. Privileges come with
responsibilities.
4. Take an understanding/empathetic approach with your child. Let them know
you are listening to their opinions. By acknowledging that some of the chores they
are being asked to do aren’t fun, or that homework can be a tedious task, you are
acknowledging that their feelings are valid…..with the bottom line being that they still
have to complete the tasks. If you are spending your time trying to convince your
child that a task they have to do is exciting and fun when in reality it isn’t, they are
going to see through your statements and leave with the opinion that you don’t care to
listen to their feelings about the situation.
5. Remember: bigger and more expensive rewards are not the requirement for
motivating children. Consider the fact that many times, quality time with you can be
just as, if not more, rewarding for your children. Don’t forget this option!
Holly Lichtsinn, MSW, LCSW
Therapist
Center for Brief Therapy, PC
423 Airport North Office Park
Fort Wayne, IN 46825
Office: 260.969.5583
Fax: 260.969.5584
www.centerforbrieftherapy.com
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